Another fun night out. With great conversation, and me not being too awkward. Please note this ramble after this does not mean I did not have a great time because I totally did … this is more of just a anxious I have way too much time on my hands and think way too much into everythiing kind of post.
I think now though I am just more confused than ever about life. The anxiety is so powerful, there were points of the night were I couldn’t say everything that I really wanted to, and I have a little regret about that. Because that will weigh on me for a while. I find it interesting lately who I have been trusting with my life secrets, I also find that I really love this little bit of confidence that I have had recently too. Its such a contradiction, anxiety filled confidence. I worry that I am going to start really letting a lot of people down when I start really doing things for me, and stop doing everything for everyone else. I have always put everyone else before myself. I have friends who love me for that and I need to find and happy medium where I still make myself happy and I don’t focus so much on everyone else. i let people in to my life with these little snippets and stories, and not that they are not truthful, but they are just stories and memories… they happened so long ago that I am afraid that I am so boring now that I am going to run out of stories. And i will be to them too.
I hate with this anxiety that I need to be doing something all the time, like right now I really do not want to be at home I want to be out. But I am too anxious to do anything by myself. So then its like I feel that i get super clingy with my friends because I am constantly asking them to hang out since I am constantly by myself, so I ask them and they say no or I just think about asking them knowing they will say no and don’t ask them. So its just this circle of though and I end up just sitting here. that sounds so depressing. geez… I am hitting the part of thought pattern of self loathing and its just not becoming. I just might have to actually listen to some of the things that I was told last night and believe it. and leave it at that.
